I have not done this in a while. I’m unsure why because it usually makes me feel better. Not that I am sad, but maybe I need to feel better than I am now? Does better mean you are fixed? Or just feeling a little more positive than before? I don’t know.
If we are being honest, I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if I am still in love or just love you or maybe none of the above. Maybe I am interested, or curious. Maybe I miss you. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I am sad. I don’t feel sad but I don’t know. I don’t feel as sad as I did this time last year. Or sad like I did 2 weeks from now a year ago. I was very sad then. I was also vulnerable. And attached. And in love. I knew what I felt then. I knew I was sad and lost and in love. I was frustrated too.
Today I talked to you. The conversation did not go the way I planned. Although the intention when I woke up was not to talk to you. In fact, it was to not talk to you at all. I try not to talk to you because I feel sad…ish. The conversation was not bland or negative or sad. I don’t think I was hurt that you don’t remember the bus and the song. Surprised? You remembered it before?
I don’t know. I say that a lot, hmm. Do we ever know though? Do we ever get to a point of complete clarity? Do we want to? Would we be happy when we got there? Ignorance is bliss..right?
My mind wanders. I was going to type more about ignorance but then changed my thought pattern to thinking about my thought pattern. It reminded me of Blake and how he thinks my train of thought is difficult to follow. I guess trains move fast. It’s hard to jump into a moving train.
Let your mind wander, let it take you to exciting places. Create things with purpose. With meaning. With impact. But be kind. Remind yourself that everyone is fighting a battle. Are you climbing the mountain or are you carrying it? Both are difficult. They are Mountains after all.
Do I feel better? Yes. Better than I did before. But I am still not better. It may a little while longer.
